Chagrin

Chagrin. Keen Vexation. It's 5:00, dismissal time. We are going to have our first CAT task tomorrow. Mrs. Velacruz called a meeting for all those who volunteered to be marshals in school for the Parent-teacher conference. I volunteered. I need merits. So, all the volunteers crowded there but Mrs. Velaruz didn't show up. To our delight, we get to go home without further orientation. We already know what to do anyway. I, together with my company, went straight to the passage to Quad B. Now, I really didn't like what I saw. I turned around and tried to distract the others, asking if we could just stay inside Quad A, even for while. But they really wanted to go home, to my dismay. We then proceeded to the passage again with me pretending not to see anything. I secretly watched out of the peripheral view of my eyes. Don't, my heart says. But my mind countered and I took one long look. Fighting the tears, I walked to catch up with my friends' pace; dragging my feet. As soon as we went past "the spot" (which held a certain curse to my feet that they just won't do their purpose of walking properly. Or maybe it was my knees) , I marched to find my sisters and grabbed them. I told them I want to go home now, and I mean that instant. I know they didn't understand why but they followed me out of school and we got two tricycles to carry us and our stuff (most of which is Fershell's since she brought the piano and beat box to school) to 17 lilac street, the house which looked like a cake. I actually saw some alumni from IJA but I didn't dare to greet them. I'm sorry guys. I just wanted to get out of school as fast and fluid as possible. Mom unlocked the gate. I counted the number of times I pressed the doorbell actually. That matter gets me frustrated at times. Whenever it takes long for mom to get to the gate, I fear that something might have happened to her inside. But when her sleepy head pops out, I feel relieved and annoyed at the same time. Anyway, I bolted to the door and watched Romantic Princess. Greenwich delivered our free pizza today so as I was pouring hot sauce all over my slice, I watched and laughed at the koreanovela. I thought my earlier ill-feeling was gone but it somehow crept up again. I can't hold back my tears; they just started pouring out. My sister asked me why I was crying while we are watching something that is supposed to be humorous. I lied and told her that it was because my tongue is blazing hot because of the sauce and I think I poured to much. She laughed at me and I continued to act like I have a sore tongue so my earlier statement would be convincing. After watching, I went straight upstairs and into my parent's bathroom. They have this big tub and a nice, well-maintained heater. In our bathroom, we only have our shower and the heater would blurt out very hot water that burns skin; so I prefer using my parent's bathroom with or without permission. I got myself in the tub and plugged it. Then I opened the heater and waited. While waiting, I found our body oil. I thought this would be a good way to de-stress. And so, I engaged myself into a very long bath. I laid there until I fell asleep. I woke up and my head was fuzzy. It appears that I have stayed in the bath tub for an hour about to turn two. I unplugged the tub and opened the shower. The cold water pierced through my skin since I've been in warm water for hours. Though, it reduced my headache and it helped me freeze my brain...and my heart. I grabbed my towel and stepped outside. I pulled on my clothes and went straight here, in front of my computer, to type these stupid words that I managed to grab out of my stupid vocabulary to tell you my stupid novel about my stupid day and how stupid I acted in it. I don't know but I feel so annoyed by how things have been. Not just vexation, but chagrin. I feel awfully annoyed; bothered by what I saw and how people acted. How I acted, how he acted, how she acted; I prayed to God that this day isn't true. I prayed it was just another dream, another nightmare. I prayed that I'll wake up and realize that I never really suffered in such instances. But it is real! It is happening. My downfall. The moment has brought me down to my weakness; my one and only weakness. Felyne, you did the right thing. When someone or something annoys you, turn around and storm out. That way, you wouldn't be in their way. You are a kind-hearted and peaceful. You are not damaged, heart-broken, sick or torn. You are good. Mind over matter. But still I feel this...even after the storming out, even after Romantic princess, even after a long warm bath and a cold shower combination...The emotion placed rain clouds over me, and it just won't stop raining. Chagrin. Keen Vexation.

Rain and Thoughts

Rain and Thoughts Everytime there is a storm, I jump for joy. I don't know. I love the rain. I love the cold. I love the concept I've learned about the rain. They say, the eyes can be like the clouds. The clouds bring rain when it cannot hold the heaviness brought by the drops. So eventually they fall. The eyes also holds drops called tears which fall when the bearer of the eyes can no longer withstand the pain. The time when the rain falls and the time when the tear drops are the same. It is the time of giving up and looking forward to a better condition. The difference is that it seems so easy for the clouds to give up while it seems so hard for people to give in to their emotions. And I wonder, when will I give up? I mean, I should give up this...this...whatever it is. It makes things harder for me. It makes my burden seem heavier. But I can't. I'm afraid that if I do, I will not be happy anymore. It's driving me crazy. This hope is driving me crazy. It makes me seem happy and desperate at the same time! So answer me, should I just give up and make things easier for myself; or hold on until the time that things actually go back to how they were back then? EMOOOOOOOO! Haha! It's signal #3 and I can't do anything here at home. And the rain makes me think, think and think so I had to write my thoughts down. Please do answer me (: NO CLASSES TOMORROW! HURRAY!

A clean piece of paper

A clean piece of paper I saw a bond paper on our table. Being so damn bored, I stared at it for like 2 minutes. I was thinking of what I'm gonna do with it. I pulled my bag from where it was and placed it near the sheet of bond paper. I scanned it's contents, placing them out of my bag one by one. It has a pencil case which contains 5 pencils, one black pen, one assorted pen, 4 highlighters and a marker. Looks like I'm going to draw. But what am I going to draw? Out of my impatience, I placed everything back inside the bag and threw it away. And again, I stared on the bond paper. I thought about Konan from Naruto and thought, "Hey! Let's go Japan and do origami.". Then, I pondered on what to do, planned the folds. Am I going to fold a frog? A flower? Or perhaps a crane? I've decided my origami skills isn't that good anyway; I'll just end up messing the bond paper. I erased the whole thought bubble and stared yet again, at the bond paper, for the third time. In the back of my head, a voice says "You shouldn't do Algebra. You get crazy. Look at what you're doing." I smirked at that and grabbed the paper. What did I do with it? I held the paper, still staring crazily at it. My feet managed to take me to the place where I should have gone hours ago. I found myself in front of my computer desk. Then my hands found the paper rack and I placed the bond paper neatly on top of the stack of paper. I actually smoothed it out and placed something on top of it so that it wouldn't be blown by the wind. I let out a little laugh at that and said "Yeah, maybe you shouldn't do Algebra". And I sat back on my chair, looked at the table without the bond paper on it. Now that's clean. I thought about what my sisters would have done with it. My 2 sisters would have snatched it and added it to their pile of notes and scratch papers. Francine with have murdered it with her doodles and after some time, crumple it and throw it away. I would have done the same thing Francine does if I chosen to draw on it. But I didn't. I was insightful with what I've done. No, at that time, I wasn't thinking about the trees and how they are cut to make paper; my metamorphic mind don't even care about that. It said that maybe what I did with the paper is what I'm doing now, with my life. Life is a clean piece of paper. Write on it, fold it, crumple it; it will yield to your will. You can write on it with a marker, and be happy with your permanent strokes. You can use a pencil if you are in doubt and erase if you made mistakes. But if you do erase your previous writing, there will still be marks that say you wrote on it. And there will be dents and eraser dust. Whatever you do, it will never be the same clean piece of paper. Of course, all people want their works to be clean right? So if you made the wrong stroke with your marker, erased something on the paper or folded it in the wrong manner; then now you have done something that will ruin your paper. Something you will regret. My life before was like the paper when I was staring blankly at it on the table; so ready to be blown by the wind in case someone turned the fan on. I just placed my eyes on it, just like what I did with my life. I'm so undecided and scared that I may just put it into waste and so I took it, and carried it to a place where it would remain untouched. But because it's there, it was useless. Just another piece of paper on a stack. And so, I grabbed the paper later that day and wrote. My head was on auto-pilot; just jotting and scribbling and writing. My pencil drew lines across some words which seemed improper, making it dirty and messy. My pencil gave me regrets. And looking at it, it made me want to just crumple the paper and throw it away. Then I said, "Sayang naman 'yung papel". I wrote on, not minding my previous mistakes but keeping them in mind as so not to do them again, and found myself happy after finishing a whole essay about my life and a paper piece. I did make mistakes and they do make me regret. But I'll find ways to conceal them later on. I thought now is the time to find someone who will read my rough draft and be pleased by its contents and not count its erasures or judge it because it's all messy and full of grammatical errors and faulty punctuation. Someone who will take it as it is: a former clean piece of paper, which after meddling with, is dirty, but full of meaning..ü

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About me! (part 3)

misspelled words ü♥ --texting issue. cramming to PERFECTION♥ --It helps because it shows how creative and how resourceful you are. Doing nothing ü♥ --Sleep all day? Yeah sure ü and most of all...MUSIC!♥ I listen to:flyleaf, eyes set to kill, secondhand serenade, chicosci, typecast, bullets for my valentine, silverstein, boys like girls, gym class heroes, avril lavigne, michelle branch, evanescence, dashboard confessional, the bravery, from first to last, yellowcard, panic! at the disco, my chemical romance, fall out boy, the scene aesthetics, saosin, skye sweetnam, coheed and cambria, paramore, juana, mojofly,taking back sunday, jimmy eat world, the all-american rejects, incubus, the red jumpsuit apparatus, urbandub, fireflight, 30 seconds to mars, sinead quinn, a fine frenzy, pathway to providence, the starting line, vertical horizon, anberlin, tokio hotel, the used, chevelle, barbie almabis, kitchie nadal, hale, john mayer, maroon 5, callalily, sandwich, cambio, kittie, civet, escape the faith, bless the fall, the last goodnight, chiodos, kelly clarkson, hellogoodbye, nickelback, sum41, lady antebellum, the pierces, air, the virgins, akon, justin timberlake, nelly furtado, timbaland, slapshock, senses fail, sugarcult, tatu, utada hikaru, ai otsuka, one republic, chiodos, within temptation, daft punk, linkin park, porcelain and the tramps, drowning pool, linkin park, blink 182, choris romance, plumb, lifehouse, warsaw philharmonic orchestra, yiruma, sinosikat, payable on death, everlife, vanessa carlton, rascal flatts and many more of which I couldn't remember --foshort,,i listen to almost anything and everything..ü I had to do this blog in 3 parts because it's real long and you don't like reading long ones right? So I cut it in 3 segments..ü If you are a Felyne addict, for sure you'll read every single one of these. If you aren't, well, it's your life. Don't care what you do anyway :P

About me! (part 2)

Loves using LMFAO, LOL, ROFL, IDK and IDC♥ --Because I don't like saying a lot of words. These tell you everything. Blogs♥ --Reading and Writing them. Playlists♥ --My playlist gives you a hint on my moods, my favorite artist.. Everything you need to know is in my playlist. Pics and Camera or photography♥ --I'm no camwhore. Haha! I take pictures whatever is around me. I don't usually take a picture of myself. Chat♥ --This summer, I was like I was online everyday. Text♥ --I love texting! And yeah, that's why I have problems with spelling and punctuation. Drinking ethyl isoprophyl alcohol..kiddin♥ --Obvious. But I hate people who drink and can't handle it. No to drunks! Writing and Journalism♥ --But I'm not that good. SHOPPING!♥ --Stressed? Let's go shopping! Cursing o_O♥ --Yeah. Especially with foreigners who just can't get a hint. Talking and talking non-stop♥ --That's why I chat and text when I don't talk. Being locked away from the social world drives me crazy. Yeah, I'm noisy. Bragging and Nagging (I am the only one who has the right to do so)♥ --I will hate you if you do. Crying and self-loathing,,oh yeaa,, I do♥ --and crying on someone else's shoulder makes me feel good.

About me! (part 1)

About me!♥ 14 is my number.♥ --14 because of Valentines. Everything I love is there; chocolate and um, chocolate and chocolate..ü I love the colors rose, black, white and hot pink.♥ --yeah, because i just love those colors..ü But when it comes to clothes, usually I'll wear earth tones or super bright ones.♥ --Because that's what they say looks good on me..ü Love attention.♥ --Everyone does Ga-ga over cupcakes.♥ --Guilty pleasures. If ever you commit a sin against me, give me a cuppy cake and you're forgiven. Yeah, red velvet cupcake please? Loves learning new things.♥ --I love learning. I want to have this lot of skills but not be a jack of all traits. I want to master everything ü Cold brrr...♥ --I hate summer because it's hot. I'm hibernating during summer like how animals do in winter. I like this summer because it's rainy and cold. I appreciate climate change =) Collects perfumes and clothes ü♥ --Yup, can't leave the mall without buying a new fume or a top or pants. I can't leave the mall without buying anything for myself. Love dressing up.♥ --Well, my grandmother told me to dress up a little more and now, I'm sorta doing it because it's what she told me to do. May she rest in peace now. Love drawing and vandalizing c^^,♥ --So always give me paper or else, I'll draw everywhere. I'm actually planning to have a mural done on my bedroom walls. Loves smilies ü o_O♥ --O(^9^)O

Half-Truths

Half-truths We had our mock exam from "the review people" last May 24. There was this part in the test where the choices were plain doofus like, "act like a donkey", "use peanut butter as toothpaste", and, "magdasal na lang". Haha! I was Laughing my ass off! Then there was this essay that I really like for some reasons. One, because it's awfully true. Two, because i can't keep myself from laughing hard and the teachers were like "whoa!". And three, because it hit me and in an instant: "Wow! Reality! Ouch!". The essay was about half-truths. Half-truths are deceptive statements. Yes, they are true but partly or just a part of the whole truth. They are often used to make something/someone seem better or cleaner. According to Yiddish Proverb, a half-truth is a whole lie. Like that matters. It's still to good to be a lie. Most wise people use it. Like in advertisements. When a certain product says, "8 out of 10 doctors approve our product", don't believe it all the way. It's possible that those doctors actually work for the product company and of course they'll raise thumbs for their own product. When we use half-truths, the chances of being caught and the stain it leaves on your conscience is equal to actually saying lies. It only heightens your ability to actually reason out and defend yourself when the time comes that the person you told the half-truth to gets to know the whole truth. The effect of a half-truth varies. Some people tend to forgive others more easily, while others get more offended. Thing is, I love using half-truths! It started when I once swore to keep a secret. Later, I found myself making a real tricky half-truth. When asked if I told the secret to anyone else, I told the person that I didn't even say a single word. Truth is, I texted everything, leaving the other person in full knowledge of the secret and we never conversed about the secret because yeah, everything has been said on text. Wala nga akong sinabi, tinext lang. But I later told that person that I actually spilled because my conscience was hurting me. I didn't dare tell him it was a half-truth and reason out because I thought it would be easier to think that someone actually lied to you and forgive it than know that the person half-lied to you and tricked you; that's offensive and hurtful (full and fool, yeah). I regret what I said. Damn regret! And I've come to realize that the Yiddish proverb was actually true. Half-truths are lies and worse, they are selfish and defensive. But I still love half-truths! You don't really have to think of another story. You just create your statement from what's in the real story; the ones which are clean. They are tricky and I like tricking people and see if their "spider senses" will tell them to pause, rewind and ponder. Hehehe. So watch out when I tell you something and you actually smell it fishy. Haha! Early warning here..ü